I want to know how he is faring… how bad it is for him, to share in that pain too.   I stare at my phone, hoping maybe…. but nothing.  I want him to know, if he should call, I will answer.

I hope something good comes of this … I couldn’t see the purpose of us meeting in the first place, how it had hit me like a ton of bricks, and how easy it was.  There is a reason for everything… just wish I knew what it was.

[may be I should be taking some kind of little pill to ease this]

What would make him follow his heart?  What if there appeared another woman, who was kind to him, funny, loving, caring, and actually Liked him?  Even intimate… in a texting kind of way?

Hmmm. Gee… you might expect this man to let a little love in that he didn’t think possible.   You might even expect him to become hopeful… that after all these many years … after being so good, so Christian, so loyal….

Would you say he was wrong to want this?

He started it… but he got caught… it figures.

{sigh}

I have not felt like this since I was 16… alone, heart broken, scared for you, so horrible.  I should have seen that they were waiting for that perfect moment to find the proof…

god…. i will never, can never, get you out of my head.

I imagine with time …. but something happened to me and I cannot bear my days nor my nights now, without you.

I am trying to fill the gaps with happy things, but these are few and far between.  Days in the dungeon, nights alone… no drive nor motivation for being in places where I could reach out to you.

I did not foresee this, nor could I expect to miss something so much that I never ever had to begin with….

I feel so stupid, so horrible, I honestly could just crawl up and never need to see the light of day again.

I find myself wondering what you are doing, how you are coping, wanting to be there for you, needing to be there for you, hoping that someday, I will be able to peel back the layers that somehow you broke through again.  I don’t see it happening.  I opened up my soul to you… I can’t imagine taking that risk again.

My mountain man… if there were a more perfect man for me, i will not know it.  Good bye mountain man

Maybe in the next life  I will find you again.